Busy....

I'm back to feeling too busy. I still haven't figured out how to solve this dilemma. I wonder if I just want to complain and not really change. That seems to be my pattern in my relationship with God too. I know what I want or at least I think I do but I never seem willing to make the necessary changes to do what I think I need to do. Now I know that many people think I already live a very radical christian life, but often I wonder if God wants more. Really I don't wonder, I know I need to yield my complete heart. I just keep finding areas that I have kept and I have to keep turning over some areas. I wish I could truly be un self centered and be only God centered. I think I get afraid of what God will require of me which is really funny because with my mouth I am willing to say that while God's ways are not my ways, God's ways are ALWAYS without fail better than my ways. Even when I can't see the outcome and may not see it until eternity I KNOW his ways are better. Why do I continue to act like I know better?

My precious daughter is very ill with her Lupus right now. My theological training keeps telling that God is in control and knows best. That this refining is for his glory. But, that doesn't change how much my heart hurts for my darling. It doesn't stop the fears and questions. However, I do continue to praise him and love him for he has done great things and will continue to also. So, I think he is ok with me crying out to him as David did in the Psalms. I will trust him - although I have to verbal say it aloud at times to remind myself that I will. It is so hard not to want to try and fix it all my self - to somehow try to control this situation. Find another treatment...try this try that. Learn to wait on God - ever so hard yet ever so easy when I get to that point. I am not God and need to stop trying to do his job. I will trust him.